MOT f'kin blues

Are you sitting comfortably? Here's a little story of one car and its journey to getting the 'small' things sorted for the MOT test.

First up, I changed all the lighting to MOT friendly lighting (ie. front lhd angel lights changed to standard smoked vr6 ones, and the red rears changed to stock smoked items), then I set about fixing my wiper stalk, which stopped clicking into place, thus being a failure item too, so off to the local scrappy I went with a spring in my step and a glint in my eye. I managed to find a god awful mk3 in the yard (wish I took some pics) which had the entire engine bay painted by hand in silver paint, anyhow, the stalks seemed ok so I got the guys to take it off for me, in their own unique skilled way...yeah right. I then took my pants down and was bum raped by the owner for the stalk (£25...WTF?!). Off I went to my little personal garage, a back alley near my house, and plucked up the courage to disconnect the battery (always shit scared of zapping my ass into next week) and remove the airbag. Man, this is all going too easy. All back on and away we go, except the new stalk seems to only work in reverse and only when it feels like it, so off it all comes, bit of a clean, back on and off and on...FUUUUUCK!!! still no joy, so after a bit of agression I managed to fix my old one and all that goes back on instead. At least i know how to remove and refit all the steering wheel bits now.

Next up, abs sensor. The light was on all the time and we kinda thought we bust a sensor when fitting the coilies so I bought a pair and printed off a 'how to' guide off E38. It turned out that the sensor may not need replacing as the wiring had come off. A simple solder job perhaps? My buddy Gillymon let us into his dad's SICK double garage to do the work and my boy Chris came to save the day. Turns out that the simple solder job was gonna be a f'k bag of a nightmare. The sensor was fine, the wiring was easy to get at but the actual connector was fucked and we couldn't get at the wiring inside the actual connector unit. After a bit of swearing, arsing about and giving me abuse for having a reverse Midas touch (turning everything I touch into a piece of shit nightmare) the boys managed to bring out some ghetto engineering 101 and made it work. SWEET!!

Ding ding, round 3!! I failed the MOT on these things: ABS sensor warning light, drivers headlamp adjusters and rear brakes were a bit weak. So next on the list was to sort the brakes out. After visiting my local garage for a price on replacing the rear discs and pads, then walking away with another bum raping I decided to just buy all the discs and pads and sort it out between us. It worked out £50 less to buy all the pads and discs for the back AND the fronts rather than go to the garage just for the rears. Fuckers. Anyway, we decided to just change the rear pads for now so wheel off, bit off fiddling and the caliper came off...et voila!! BUT, according to the Bentley book, you need a special tool to push the piston back in, but not only push it in but twist and push. Who the fuck decided that was a good idea? So no joy there, old pads and shit back on. Time wasted. Heads scratched.

Ding ding, round 4!! This was it, this was the day that shit was gonna get sorted. Went to GSF to get the 'tool' of dreams then went home to my special garage again and away I went. Jacked up, wheel off, new tool used, bit of hard work and sore hands but new pads in. Awesome, cooking with gas. I rock. Today is a good day. Next wheel off, caliper off after quite a lot of grief, properly rusted up, then BAM, the problem, one seriously siezed piston. No rubber, piston all the way out. BASTARD!! So I used the tool but after nearly 2 hours of hardly any movement I gave up on it and decided to replace the caliper unit. Problem being that the nearest scrappies was over a mile away. Tools away and off I went. I visited my old friend, the piece of shit mk3 again and thought that even though he'd painted everything silver, including the calipers, it was a new arrival so they should still work. Off it came, again with some ghetto mechanic'ing skills that only these guys truly understand and away I went. Oh, of course another bum raping session happened, no wonder these guys drive around in nice cars. 2 hours down the line, from leaving the car to returning with another headlamp and caliper, I was ready to try again. New caliper came apart pretty easily but the old one, to keep in line with how my time with the car was going, decided to be a bitch. After much effort and at one point I will admit that as a man in touch with his emotions i did sit there, in the rain, staring at the caliper on the verge of having a little cry. Allen bolts were rounded, shit wouldn't budge but after some ghetto inspiration I managed it. Caliper on, new pads on and all working fine...except...have you ever tried bleeding your brakes by yourself? Me neither, so a local garage did me a massive solid and did them for free. FREE!! After the shit I've had and the sore ass I've got from the repeated bum rapings someone helped me out with some free-ness. So off to the MOT station i went.

And she passed!!

Long story i know but a nice one I think, shame I ballsed up on the pics front, I really need to have that in my mind at all times.

Big thanks to Gillymon and Chris for being good mates and helping me with the reverse Midas touch move I brought to the table and a big thanks to a certain Bolton salvage yard for repeatedly assaulting my pink cheeks.

Here's to another 12 months of legal motoring. Oh, and the hand shot? I'm a designer and I aint used to sitting at my desk with my hands looking like that. Not sure the bosses appreciate it, I had fun though.